Tuesday, March 1, 2011

COMMENTARY: My addiction and my marriage: It's gonna be a bumpy ride

"I'm done. I'm just done." These were the first words my husband spoke to me after giving me the silent treatment for two days last week. Apparently he hates my life in the fandom - including, but not limited to - tweeting, facebooking, emailing, blogging, reading, traveling to meet "online" friends, etc. Really? You didn't like that blow job I gave you? Could've fooled me. That's too bad because I'm much more interested in sex because of fanfiction.

I understand. I really do. I have over a hundred pictures of another man on my phone. I would rather read and discuss fanfiction than watch American Idol. I take my phone everywhere and check it every 23.8 seconds. I've already admitted it's a sickness. This blog is about my addiction to this for fuck's sake! I know I've changed (see previous commentary). But why did it take him a year to fucking say something? And why did he have to torture me with silence? Because that's who he is.

"I'm not happy anymore." That was the second thing he said. That just screams mid-life crisis.  Am I supposed to make him happy? Where's that manual? Maybe there's a fanfiction story I can read to help me out. Does it have a HEA?

I know what I need to do. I need to find more balance. I need to give him more of myself. I need to compartmentalize my life better. I need to schedule my life in the fandom much like I do everything else. Fuck.

We had problems before this. We've never communicated well. He's never been on my team and I've never been his cheerleader. We are not soulmates, if there is such a thing. "We don't have anything in common," he says. No shit Sherlock. We've never had much in common. We have gotten by because we really admire each other. We also adore the three amazing people that we created. I am weird and nerdy, passionate and flirty, spoiled and scholarly. He is practical and humble, affectionate but prudish, purposeful and industrious. I am all over the place. He would give anyone the shirt off his back.

Apparently it's a problem that I feel closer to my twitter friends than my "real life" friends. I used to tweet openly but then I got "the look." I got it from him, then I started getting it from my RL friends. Then I knew I had to go undercover. Like this is a dirty little secret. I fucking hate that.

Is your home life suffering in the midst of all this?


Jaymes805 said...

Aww bb I'm sorry. It's definitely hard to find balance in life since this crazy fandom road started, thats for sure. I still haven't been able to do it. But I've realized somethings during this whole crazy adventure. RL friends are much more judgemental than fandom friends. They just don't get it. They're also a lot less supportive of anything in life, and a lot more negative. I seriously could tweet "I just took the biggest shit! Yay me!" and all of you twi-sistas would be happy for me lol. If I write on facebook that I am hungover, I get a bunch of judgemental RL people telling me I drink too much. I hate it.

I hope you find the balance soon and things get better. We're always here for ya no matter what! <3

succubus said...

We've talked a little bit about this before, but I just want you to know that I understand. Totally. Hugs!

I feel like it's not necessarily the twi-things that bothers my husband, but the lack of attention that he's getting. He thinks I'm choosing things over him, which I totally am because spending time with him isn't making me love or even respect him.

Double_Dippin said...

I get it..I am in a similar boat with the looks..and snyde comments.. Thank God I can tweet the day away,(as long as chores are done) and theres a hot meal and sexy time is not put on the back burner..Guys are jealous creatures for sure.. Mine expects me to stare at the tv with him and watch him sleep I guess.. I'm lucky because he leaves at 3:30 AM GETS HOME AT 6pm ish every day of the week eats and falls asleep. Granted we do have things in common. And we have fun together..But like you he's not my soul mate but close. And i def wouldn't want to start over at this point in life.. I'm always here forya GF, and I love you. keeping you close..Double_Dippin

Anonymous said...

omg, you and i are in the exact same boat! i'll help you paddle bb! unfortunately, it's been like this for years and twitter & the fics have helped me escape. according to my hubs, the last ten years have sucked. i think chatting on twitter and reading have made me realize that sooo much is wrong in my life. (((hugs))) to you my friend, you're not the only one!

inotu said...

That sucks. So sorry. I hate that you, or anyone else in the fandom, are going through crappy relationships. But it does remind me of how lucky I am. Apparently my husband is more understanding than others and I need to remember not to take that for granted.

My father died two years ago and I watched my mother have to start from scratch on the social front because she had about two friends outside her relationship. I refuse to wait until I'm a widow to have friends, or do things that make me happy and Twi things make me happy.

Chloe Cougar said...

THIS!!! You are my twin - separated at birth!!!

"We've never had much in common. We have gotten by because we really admire each other."
"I am weird and nerdy, passionate and flirty, spoiled and scholarly. He is practical and humble, affectionate but prudish, purposeful and industrious."

And, do you know what makes me so cross? The fact that you've written exactly what I would have written: "I know what I need to do. I need to find more balance. I need to give him more of myself. I need to compartmentalize my life better. I need to schedule my life in the fandom much like I do everything else."

NO! Why should you do this? If you find your fulfilment in the fandom, then WHY should you compartmentalize it - shove it to one side? That's not finding a balance! That's just shifting the balance to suit everyone else!

I can so relate to your final comment. I've been seeing a therapist weekly for the past year, and yesterday was the first time I was able to tell her that I have an alter-ego. I didn't expand on it. I haven't shared it with anyone else. Except all of you...

{{Hugs to you}} MM - he can't complain. He's getting an amazing sex life as a result of your addiction (if he's anything like my hubs!). What more could a guy want?

CC x

adonicass said...

That you and he have nothing in common but the beautiful children you created is the way my parents' generation defined their marriage. It is why zillions of books have been written discussing this topic: Women simply need more.

More what? Maybe: Friendships. Career, or at least purpose-filled days. Volunteer work for a worthy cause. Sometimes, children. Homekeeping. Cooking. Blogging and reading and writing.

I did not want children, but I have risen to the challenge to do the best job I can as a mom. Their dad, who wanted kids, has not given parenting equal time with his career. I backburned my preferred career to be a better mom.

That you are evaluating your relationship with your husband is not a judgement on him, or you, but your desire to be all you can be. We only get one shot at this life stuff - and wanting as much as possible is healthy and powerful.

The saddest phrase, I think, is "I wish I..."

A therapist once told me "Change your *can't* to *won't* and pay attention."

Love to you and strength and support. Getting to know you and bathing in your friendship is an honor.


Heather aka ADaywithJake said...

I'm so sorry, bb. This fandom is such a great support and such a beautiful group of friends and great fun. We get sucked into it. We tweet non-stop. We start a story and can't stop reading it for hours on end. We check for updates 10 times a day. It's hard to balance something you love.

I think we all get critiqued about our new passion from time to time. It hurts. The people we love should accept us. I'd like to think that I'd be supportive if my hubs found a group of guys that were as great as the ladies in the fandom. I'd be happy for him, but I'd probably be jealous, too. That's life.

Anyway, just a whole bunch of rambling to say, I understand and wish I could fix all of your worries. You're an outstanding woman and you deserve happiness. Remember that!

My After Car Is An XKR said...

Hey Micki. I read this hours ago and have been thinking about it - and you - all day. I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I think the important thing to remember is that THIS - the books, the blogs, the twitter friends, the fanfic, the way the fanfic makes you feel - is not the REAL cause of whatever his issue is. It's just the buoy that brought his feelings to the surface, and it's a convenient scapegoat for some other issue - perhaps the midlife crisis you mentioned. I hope that he will come to see the deeper issue. Maybe finding that balance you talked about (as much as you probably don't want to or feel like you should have to!) will help heal those wounds.

Thinking about you and sending you love and hugs.

twilightcupcake said...

I am glad that you have this venue to be open and honest. This is the kind of thing that no one in our real lives will understand and in fact will likely judge you for.
Yes it's an addiction and I suffered from it quite badly. You know it's bad when you have kids under age 7 and you don't remember things in their lives because your too busy tweeting or posting.
When we went to Italy in July I was scared - why? Because we weren't going to have internet access on a regular basis. Felt like we'd be cutting off an appendage and I wasn't looking forward to the trip. Weird right?
Well it was actually a very very welcome fresh breath of air. After being UNPLUGGED for at least 72 hours I started to recover from the withdrawal. I remember rolling over and looking at my husband and thinking "who are you? oh yeah you're kind of cute. We're supposed to be here for another week. Well what's there to see in Italy before Volterra?"
When I returned from that trip I slowly went back into the online world but I can catch myself. It's good to have the insight into it in time to pull myself back. I'll actually turn off the computer and put my phone away on anothr floor of the house - shocker!
Hope you work things out - vacation without internet access actually helped - like detox :)

xo cupcakegirl76 on twitter

Twi-Lin said...

I am so sorry you are going through this rough time. No matter what happens just know you are such a intelligent beautiful woman! I know how hard it is to find the balance in everything. I am just starting to learn how to balance my escape of FF. Most of the time I can cut myself off and actually stop reading when I finish a chapter. I have also tried to limit my tweeting during the day to lunch time after I got in trouble with my boss for tweeting during a meeting. Also I haven't been tweeting as much during the evenings during the week. I have been busy doing other stuff. My life is still totally twilight affected. Last year I was seeing this therapist who told me that this wasn't healthly behavior by hinding in FF stories instead of dealing with RL. I had also shared that I had fun at the 100 Monkeys Concert and she that my behavior wasn't age appropriate, well that kinda of pissed my off and I stopped therapy. I know the one of the reasons for my FF addiction is due to not knowing how to deal with my daughter. I just feel stuck so I am choosing not to deal. Anyways we all have our battles and they do make us appreciate the good times. Hang in there babe! I want you to know that I am here for you! Love you bunches!

Hugs - Twi_Lin

norcaltwitard said...

*sings* You are not allloooonnee. I am here with yoooou. MM, we tweeted a little about this last week. Hubs and I have a very similar situation. We went to therapy and talked about our issues and it helped a lot, but I still get "the look" and if I'm being truly honest I don't give a fuck. I have finally found something that makes me happy and friends to share it with and I'll be damned if anyone, including my hubs, is gonna take it from me. I'm all for balance and including hubs in some of what I enjoy, something we talked about in therapy, but if that doesnt help at some point you need to decide what, or rather who, is more important. For me, I've decided that I need to be happy more than I need to be responsible for his happiness. If that means that hubs and I end up divorced then, as hard as it will be to go through, I'm okay with that. I just can't live the rest of my life only living for him, I've done that for the last 13.5 years (I know thats not a long time to some people, but I'm 33, so it is to me) and Im not doing it anymore.

I really do hope that everything works out the way that you truly want it to. Just remember your hapiness is just as important as his and its better to be happy alone than miserable with someone else.

RobzSinger said...

Hey hon, I read this a while ago and have wanted to comment. So here I am, better late than never.
i completely agree with myaftercar, there is more going here on than your fondness for Robert Pattinson.
I tell my hubs all of this is not really about Robert Pattinson, even though he does turn me into a squealing fangirl, it's about connecting with others, letting loose and being myself--having FUN. And like Jaymes said, this is the place we can all come and NOT be judged.
If your marriage is really in trouble, then yes, you need to pull back a little and focus on that. Everything in moderation, right? I only say that to you because I've grown to know you a bit and I want what's best for you in the long run. Plus, we all will always be here to listen, have your back, and give you support.
I struggle with finding a balance, so if you figure it out...let me know.
However, this does bring me joy and I know the intensity of it won't last forever so I've decided to enjoy it for the time being. It's really the only thing I have that is just for me.
Thanks for being so candid, I can relate to much of what you said.
xo ((hugs))

Dangrdafne said...

I have started and erased three things now.

Twilight and this fandom saved my marriage.

I think (and you mention) that this isn't the only thing wrong in your marriage.

I hope you are considering therapy either single or couples or both.

I believe that no one should completely change or hide anything about themselves to stay in a marriage. It is not fair to you, the spouse or the children, if there are any.

As I stated at Trixie and Tess - If a book hurts marriage there is more wrong than the book.

I hope this all works out for you and you can be happy and true to yourself.

TwiKiwi50 said...


After our tweets this evening I thought it was time I caught up on blogs.

This post, and the wonderful comments, really speaks volumes to me. I am 31, live alone, and am single. Some say I am fortunate to only have myself to focus on, sometimes I disagree.

I have never been in a long term relationship and I am, for the first time, seeing a therapist on a weekly basis to help me with lots of my issues - namely fear, vulnerability and shyness. Which many people would find surprising, given I'm relatively extroverted.

Ever since I first 'met' you guys, you really have helped me to open up. Deciding to travel halfway around the world to meet some of you is exciting. It does not scare me (yet). But still I was fearful to share this with many of my RL people. I thought they would judge me. And some of them have, but too bad. It's my life.

But - the one thing I am scared of, in relation to the time I spend with you all, is that I could quite easily never get out there. Never meet someone special. Never really find that one true love.

I have tears as I write this because I feel I can speak relatively easily of these matters to you guys, and I want to hug you all more than you know.

I know I need more balance, so I am trying to find it. I have registered for online dating and I am scared as hell. But I will persevere. I will remember that fan fiction is FICTION and that the first date I go on is unlikely to be my 'Edward'. And mostly, I will be happy in my life.

There is a Maori saying here in NZ - Kia Kaha. It means stand strong. That is my goal, and I reach out to you Micki - Kia Kaha xxxx

17foreverlisa said...

Ok. Clearly I have been out of the loop and did not realize things had gotten this bad. If it wasn't for the little award being passed around, I wouldn't even have known you had a blog.

I am the last one to give you advice. I can so relate to your comment about having nothing in common except for the beautiful children you created together.

I think we are all here to some extent because there is something missing from our lives...something we've found with each other. We just "get" each other, and we don't judge. I have made friendships as a result of this journey that will last a lifetime.

I used to say my RL friends and my Bloggy friends. Well, somewhere along the way, that line blurred.

So push up those magnificent bewbs of yours and Kia Kaha. We are all here for you.



pam said...

My husband has been quite stoic for years,happily playing on various computer games while i've entertained the kids. Now i'm so into twitter,face book,fandom etc and give him less attention he misses me. Think that's probably how most husbands feel. However it's a very sad fact that the high divorce rate is among long term married couples,i suppose we grow into different people and don't notice it as we're all to busy just living and working. I'm certainly not the same as i was when i married at 20 as i am now,my mind is in a much more selfish place i'm ashamed to say. We only get one life though,we don't get a second shot so really do have to make the most of it and above all be happy. Thank goodness we're all pretty much like minded and know where everyone is coming from and how we're all feeling. Yah for us. Pam

Nicole said...

Oh darling, I'm so sorry. While I'm not in your exact situation I do know the difficulty of balancing our umm, err "extracurricular activities" with our real life and our marriages. I don't know a single lady who has figured it out. Its clear from all the other people who've left comments that you are loved and supported. I hope you truly know that and feel you lean on any one of us when things get tough.

Hugs and snuggles,
Ms. Ouiser

louise said...

I just found this site today via someone I'm following on twitter (which I am just becoming very addicted to) and have to comment.
I agree with everything you are saying and it is a shame but seriously I have spent the last 7 years of my life looking after a house and bringin up 2 energised young boys (and loving it), my family was the centre of my world, I never really had an interest in anything else and then 2 years ago I was introduced to twilight and from then it morphed into a massive fascination with all things rob including the highly addictive fan fiction! My husband pretty much wanted to disown me for the amount of times I read the twi books and now everytime he sees me on a computer or phone or reading its all 'what about me' - jesus man give me a break!!! I love him and my kids more than life but hell this is something that makes ME happy and is my escape to alternate reality, I continually say this to him when he has just come back from drinking with the boys, cricket every week and fishing at least once a week, do I ever complain about those things!!! NO I do not, as I say to him, you have that I have reading of FF and Rob!!! They feel like neglected little boys but I need to have some me time and thats how I choose to spend it just cause he doesn't agree doesn't mean I should change!! Granted if he ever looked on my phone he would have a heart attack at the amount of pics of rob!!!! but meh sue me!!!!!
I feel for you and although don't know you, you have my sympathies with needy husbands!!! Take care xx

joni webb said...

well you wrote this several months ago and hopefully it all worked out. makes me sad to hear you say you aren't soul mates. i'm afraid a marriage without a soul mate must be a lonely place. my h and i call each other cellmates - more like it really.
i started my blog www.cotedetexas.blogspot.com five years ago on a lark and my life changed 100percent. had no idea it would. i now have 70,000 readers a month and my husband is not one of them. he never reads my blog. wasn't until i started getting ad money before he even took it seriouly.
imagine though how screwed up my life is - a design blog, and then i discover twilight at age 55! and start acting like a teenager and want to switch fandoms from design to edward cullen. it's been really hard to juggle two online lives.

yes - fandom on the internet completely changes you. before i was a design guru - i was an online crusader against the church of scientology. that fight took up my 40s.

it's hard to believe now, but something else will capture your heart online. hard to guess what, but twilight will eventually die for you and you'll be hooked on something else.

its the addiction to online connections, research, immersing youself in one subject with like minded people that is really the draw. obviously your husband doesn't have that need, but you do. you probably need to explain to him that it's not really fanfic, thats just a symptom. you are really addicted to the internet. surely he wont be jealous of a machine.

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