REVIEW: She Gives Me Religion by Liz Lemon Bennett

Summary on ff.net: Hot-headed seminary student, Edward Masen meets just widowed bride Bella Swan.

While I spent the past weekend reading The Hunger Games trilogy, my Posse h00rs were rabidly discussing She Brings Me Religion, the debut fanfic from Liz Lemon Bennett. What started out as a o/s for The Cherry Exchange contest (and winner of Best 1st Time Author) is now a full-fledged story with 11 chapters posted. The Posse twittered on about this with such conviction that I had to get on board with this story. After reading the first chapter, I knew it would be my next review.

Edward Masen, seminarian, is summoned to the hospital by his mentor, the Reverend Carlisle Cullen, to assist with counseling the family of Mike Newton who was tragically killed in an accident on his weddding day. Mike's widow Bella catches Edward's eye and he makes it his mission to attend to her needs.

"Um... Bella... would you like to... um... pray with me?" Christ that sounds ridiculous. When Carlisle says that, it sounds so smooth, seductive even. He could get the anti-Christ to kneel in prayer.

Edward's half holy/half horny inner monologue had me snorting at my laptop all morning. Though he is a man of faith, he's also a witty, self-deprecating, hot-blooded virgin. The virgin part doesn't last long as “attending to Bella's needs” means things get a bit out of hand. They get all handsy actually.

God forgive me for my aching desire to touch her, to taste her... sorry. I'll pull it together.

When I started this review I copied and pasted a few of my favorite quotes into the document. Next thing I knew I had 3 pages of quotes. It’s tough to scale back as it's such fun to read!

During their first time together Bella wants to know what Edward is feeling. She appears to be fishing for a little dirty talk but this goes way over Edward's head:

"Edward, tell me what it feels like. What I feel like." Don't mess this up, Masen- think of something romantic.

"Like...ugh...rain in April...ugh...like...puppies..."

"Like puppies and rain?" Shit, she's able to talk and I'm not, not a good sign.

"No, no... hot, wet, so fucking tight... like my cock is getting it's first hug... ugh...and it's been, really, neglected...augh."

The next day when Alice alludes to their night of passion he is reminded of the fact that they didn’t use a condom:

Safe? Good Lord. I didn't use a condom. I didn't have a condom. I didn't think about having a condom. What virgin my age-what celibate, seminarian virgin my age carries around a condom? My sex fantasies never include a condom. Wait, I didn't come inside her, no... I did. I definitely did. Lord, please, please, please Lord, let me be sterile-not always, just right now, just last night.

Chapter 5 is told from Bella’s POV and I found her voice to be as sweet and endearing as Edward’s. Her relationship with her dad Charlie is very canon. He is ever the protective Chief Swan, though Edward easily wins his trust.

"I like that Edward character." Oh, my. My father's supreme compliment lands squarely on the shoulders of Edward Masen. There have been plenty of 'goof-balls,' 'clowns,' even a 'yahoo' early on, but 'character' is reserved for Alice, Angela, and... no, that's it. Wow.

Hoot’s lovely banner (shown above) borrows a line from Chapter 8 “…when you start a relationship with sex and death, where do you go from there?" Where do you go when you make love to the girl of your dreams but you don’t really know her and her dead husband isn’t even buried yet? Awkwardness, anger, doubt, depression, despair, passion, and jealousy ensue. Through it all there is an undercurrent of snark and humor that keeps things on the lighter side. For example, Edward attempts to cheer Bella up at the funeral:

"Anyone say anything weird yet?"

"Yes, our Biology teacher, Mr. Banner, said that Mike's reserving me a seat at the big lab table in the sky."

"Priceless. Okay, here's our game: let's track who can say the strangest things. So far, Banner is in the lead. We'll pick the winner later, maybe get them a prize."

And later, when you think Saintward can’t get any kinder, compassionate, and loving, he turns into Edward – God of Seduction.

"Mmm. So, are you going to answer my question? What do you intend to do with me?"

"Well, Isabella..." I say, emphasizing each syllable. "I'm not sure if you've noticed," I say, pulling off each boot, "fucking sexy boots, by the way..." and throw them over my shoulder.

"Thanks... I'll tell Alice, they're hers," she laughs and I crawl up onto the bed, between her leg, "noticed what?"

I begin to unbutton and unzip her jeans, "Each time we've been together, you have been the instigator..."

"Yes, thank you for mentioning it... I'm painfully aware of that little pattern."

"No worries," I crawl back down off the bed, "I thought tonight I could wear the pants, while you Isabella Swan," I hold onto the cuffs at the bottom of her jeans, "wear none," and pull them off in one swift move, and she squeals once more. Fuck yeak, I've been thinking about that move all day.

Oh yeah baby. Read it. ‘Nuff said.

COMMENTARY: My addiction and my marriage: It's gonna be a bumpy ride

"I'm done. I'm just done." These were the first words my husband spoke to me after giving me the silent treatment for two days last week. Apparently he hates my life in the fandom - including, but not limited to - tweeting, facebooking, emailing, blogging, reading, traveling to meet "online" friends, etc. Really? You didn't like that blow job I gave you? Could've fooled me. That's too bad because I'm much more interested in sex because of fanfiction.

I understand. I really do. I have over a hundred pictures of another man on my phone. I would rather read and discuss fanfiction than watch American Idol. I take my phone everywhere and check it every 23.8 seconds. I've already admitted it's a sickness. This blog is about my addiction to this for fuck's sake! I know I've changed (see previous commentary). But why did it take him a year to fucking say something? And why did he have to torture me with silence? Because that's who he is.

"I'm not happy anymore." That was the second thing he said. That just screams mid-life crisis.  Am I supposed to make him happy? Where's that manual? Maybe there's a fanfiction story I can read to help me out. Does it have a HEA?

I know what I need to do. I need to find more balance. I need to give him more of myself. I need to compartmentalize my life better. I need to schedule my life in the fandom much like I do everything else. Fuck.

We had problems before this. We've never communicated well. He's never been on my team and I've never been his cheerleader. We are not soulmates, if there is such a thing. "We don't have anything in common," he says. No shit Sherlock. We've never had much in common. We have gotten by because we really admire each other. We also adore the three amazing people that we created. I am weird and nerdy, passionate and flirty, spoiled and scholarly. He is practical and humble, affectionate but prudish, purposeful and industrious. I am all over the place. He would give anyone the shirt off his back.

Apparently it's a problem that I feel closer to my twitter friends than my "real life" friends. I used to tweet openly but then I got "the look." I got it from him, then I started getting it from my RL friends. Then I knew I had to go undercover. Like this is a dirty little secret. I fucking hate that.

Is your home life suffering in the midst of all this?